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The Definition of “Mortified”

March 19, 2010

Beware Incoming Air

This post comes with a disclaimer:  You will be embarrassed reading this.  You will be embarrassed not only for yourself, but for me. You will wonder how I can ever show my face again in public.  However, FitMommas strives to show all the facets of a real woman striving to live a healthy and fit lifestyle.  And it ain’t always pretty folks.

I really love my new Piloga class – you know, the free one on Monday nights.  And this past Monday, my FitMomma gal pal Melissa couldn’t come, but she sent her neighbors, Jane and June.  (Names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

So Jane, a lovely young preacher’s wife, and mom, was on her mat right behind me.  We worked our way into a downward dog, my favorite, and for those of us needing some challenge, we lifted our right leg up towards the ceiling.  And that’s when I felt it.

Now, if you are a man, you will have no idea what I’m talking about.  This will be so crazy sounding (as it was to my husband when I told him this story), you’ll wonder if I am serious.  I am.

I felt the air go in.  In there. And I immediately went into a panic. Because everyone knows, man or woman, that what goes in must come out.  And what men don’t know that women do is that when air goes in there, we cannot control how it comes out.  It moves on its own free will.  It does not consult with you as to the best time to leave the premises so as not to cause you extreme embarrassment.

And so there I was, in a modified downward dog, with leg in the air, and air in there.  We released the position and transitioned into a child’s pose.  And as I leaned back into this pose, I did it.  I queefed on Jane’s head.  Loudly.  (If you do not know what a Queef is, I suggest you Google it.  You’ll get no explanation from me, this is embarrassing enough.)

I thought I was going to cry.  Adding to the anxiety was not knowing whether that was all of it or not.  Was there more air trapped, plotting its escape?  Surely, I could not give it an extra push, as the air made its presence well known to anyone within five feet of my there.  No, I just buried my face into the floor, begging, hoping, praying that I was the only one who heard it.

By the way, I opted out of the modified downward dog on the left leg.

But as we transitioned back into another child’s pose, out shot another queef.  Just as loud.  On Jane’s head.

At this point, I gave up all hope that I was the only hearing person in the room.  We moved from child’s pose to our back to begin some ab work, and I took that opportunity to give Jane an apology face.  And Jane was dying.  She could barely contain herself, holding her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.  The best I could do was shrug my shoulders and pray that she didn’t think I just purposely gassed her twice.

As I laid on my back, more air escaped, but luckily it was silent.  After class, I approached Jane and June (who was talking on and on about the class, so apparently she heard nothing.  Phew!)  I finally got June to stop talking so that I could pull Jane aside and explain to her that I was uncontrollably queefing on her, not openly farting in her direction.  Again, the hand over the mouth to keep from dying from laughter.  She said it was fine, she understood and, if anything, she liked me more now than before because I was so honest with her.  I mean, really, what was I supposed to do?  Pretend that I didn’t just have an elephant come out of there?

So, the next time you feel mortified, you can ask yourself “Am I Queefing-on-a-Preacher’s-Wife mortified, or am I just embarrassed?”

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Tracy permalink
    March 19, 2010 4:03 pm


  2. missy permalink
    March 20, 2010 8:12 am

    OMG!!!! LOL I thought it was bad when I wore my shirt to school backwards in the third grade! Thanks for sharing!

  3. Kimberly Smith permalink
    March 22, 2010 8:41 am

    Thanks for the laugh this morning!!! I love you!

  4. Sommer permalink
    March 22, 2010 7:41 pm

    Remind me not to stand behind you in Strobix! LOL!!!!!!!

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